my husband’s chest

You don’t need to tell me how lucky I am.

I have a roof over my head, great medical care and I’m surrounded by people who love me.

And don’t think I forget how very lucky I am to be alive at all. Why did I get to go into remission? Why me? I am indeed very fortunate.

But there are times when I do feel sad that I will never put this cancer behind me. I feel the toll ongoing treatment takes on my body and my emotional well being.

So last night I stood in my kitchen, with my head on my husband’s chest (we say we were built for each other. My head lands flat on his chest and tucks under his chin). He put his arms around me and we just stood there, breathing together.

He didn’t need to say anything. He understood my frustration. Only a few hours before I was finallly feeling sharp and healthy and energized. And then, after chemo, I stood in his arms, feeling sick and more than a little shaky.

He didn’t remind me how lucky I am.

But I know it.

aware of the irony

Life is funny.

This morning was perfect weather for a bike ride. The sun was out and the temperature climbed to 17C (that’s 62.6 in American). It was my first time on the bike in more than a week – since before the plague toppled my family, like a series of dominoes.

It was a fun ride, and I didn’t even mind the big hill I have to climb on my way to the hospital. I arrived twenty minutes after I set out, a little sweaty and with my heart pumping. As I locked up and headed into the cancer centre, I noted with pleasure that I hadn’t been coughing.

“It feels good to be healthy.”

I very nearly said it out loud.

I was suddenly struck by the absurdity of my situation. Here I was, going to get my bloodwork done the day before chemo and thinking about how healthy I am.

Three years ago, at almost exactly this time of year, I learned that my cancer had become metastatic. I don’t think I could have imagined this day, when I’d be riding my bike up Smythe Rd. and thinking about how healthy I am.

So, as I was saying at the beginning of this post – life really is pretty funny.

Cross-posted to Not Just About Cancer.

My PET/MRI Results

I had to wait until my appointment last Friday to get the results of my MRI and PET. I thought for sure Dr. Webster had bad news because she didn’t call and wanted to wait until she saw me to tell me, I was pretty much freaking out. But it turns out I have great news to share.

My PET showed no cancer anywhere in my body, including my lymph nodes and possibly not even in my breast. It picks up inflammation, so it’s hard to tell from a PET about the breast itself, but I am free and clear of cancer everywhere else.

My breast MRI showed no tumors in my breast and the report read ‘lymph nodes all appear normal’.  No cancer in lymph nodes! (appears at least) The tumors that were there before have dispursed (they were just clumps of IBC anyway not really solid tumors) and everything it did pick up said ‘possible whatever the word is for dead cancer’ meaning it didn’t pick up any definite live cancer in my breast, and what it did pick up could just be dead cancer or thick areas. She hadn’t seen the report when I arrived, and we read it for the first time together. That was nerve racking let me tell you. But reading for myself that the tumors are gone was huge as I had 3 when I was diagnosed with a possible lymph node that was enlarged.  Dr. Webster’s words were actually ‘it is the best possible news we could have gotten’.  So surgery is on for next Friday, Oct. 2nd. I can’t believe I’m actually typing that I’m having surgery next week, but I hear it’s true.

I wasn’t sure how to post my news because as happy as I was, I also felt guilty because of all the wonderful women I have met so far who didn’t get such great MRI news. I wasn’t even going to post it as I did, but then the last few days changed my mind because it IS GREAT news! Not just for me personally, but it means that the treatment itself is working, is doing it’s job. On a not personal basis, that’s wonderful news for IBC treatments in general.  I am responding to the chemotherapy and the last 6 months of chemo have been worth it. I have my LAST CHEMO tomorrow! Can you believe it??? My last chemo is tomorrow, I honestly can’t believe it. Cycle 12 of Taxol and my FIRST 3 week dose of Herceptin. I begin taking Herceptin only every 3 weeks tomorrow for an entire year, it will be given through my port. It isn’t chemo so the side effects are much milder I hear, and I shouldn’t have too hard of a time on it. I even get it through radiation which I will get every day for 6 weeks starting about 3 weeks after surgery.

crossposted on http://lynkelley.wordpress.com

bone loss: a public service announcement

I have been reading Cancer Fitness by Anna L. Scharwtz. I’m only a few chapters in, but the book has already taught me some important things.

I don’t tend to devote a lot of thought to preventing bone loss but I did know that regular weight-bearing exercise helps prevent bone loss and to build strong bones. And while I walk and run (just finished the Running Room’s beginner program again), I really don’t do any strength training (or core work, for that matter, despite repeated promises to myself).

Cross-posted from Not Just About Cancer.

The women in my family tend to have strong bones (and good bone density) but what I didn’t realize was how many factors put me at risk:

• early menopause, as a result of chemotherapy.
• doxorubicin (Adriamycin, the infamous “red devil). I had 6 rounds (this is also the drug that temporarily damaged my heart).
• decadron and other steroids (I had higher doses with the first 6 rounds of chemo but I still get decadron through IV with every chemo treatment, to help mitigate side effects).
• lorazepam (Ativan, which I use only occasionally for insomnia. I had absolutely no idea that it caused bone loss)
• regular consumption of caffeine.

And I don’t drink very much milk, either.

Remember, that promise to myself I made in January? Well, I have not made as much progress as I would like. So, I signed up for a fitness class at my local community centre that incorporates core work and strength training (since the free weights, stability ball and exercise bands don’t seem to be doing much more than collecting dust) to get myself started. Now, I have another reason to get to it.

I also took a calcium supplement today for the first time in months. Those suckers are horse pills but I think I need to get back into the habit of choking them down.

What are you doing to prevent bone loss?

Cross-posted from Not Just About Cancer.

MRI — Good News!

(cross posted from Coffee and Chemo)

“Can the radiation make the tumors go away?” I asked, first to my oncologist, then the radiologist, then the head of radiology.

I was devastated by the discovery of brain mets. I could not accept that the brain mets would not go away.

“Sometimes the tumors shrink from radiation,” I was told, with reservation.

“But can they be totally destroyed?” I persisted.

“Rarely,” I was told, by caring doctors who did not want to give me false hope.

The main goal of the radiation was to stop the tumors from growing any further.

That was not good enough for me. I prayed every day, during my five minutes of radiation, for the radiation to completely destroy the tumors.

Well, the tumors might not be 100% gone, but they have certainly lost some of their power!

We have not yet received the written report, but the images look a lot cleaner! We only saw one or two “shadows,” only one of which is still a remnant of a tumor, according to my doctor’s analysis (though he is the first to acknowlege that he is not a radiologist).

My doctor, upon reading the report, sent me the following message right away:

got the report of your MRI and the improvement we thought we saw is REAL.

This does not mean that I am done with brain mets. Like the bone mets, brain mets never goes away. Still, I doubt anyone expected such good results.

Thank you all so much for your prayers!! God is listening!!

I cannot think of a better way to start the new year!*

*Rosh HaShanah, the Jewish new year, is this Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday