Hi everyone, well on Thursday night, (last night actually), I had an appointment with my oncologist. I went in and sat down, he had a lot of papers in front of him that he was perusing as I sat and got settled. He looked up at me and said “well, I have the results of some tests here from Peter Mac, it looks very good. I’m not a surgeon but it looks as though the tumor is contained in the pelvic area. It is pushing up against your bladder and about to attack your vagina.” (sorry to be so blunt but I don’t hold anything back on this site). Anyway, he repeated that the test results look good – in terms of having the surgery. He reminded me that it is radical surgery and that he thinks that if they are going ahead with it, it will be within six weeks, could be as soon as two weeks. He feels so strongly that they are going to go ahead that he canceled chemo, which was due today, as he said that if they do want to go ahead with the surgery, they will want me to have some time off chemo first so we may as well start now. He did say that if they don’t go ahead that it won’t matter in the long term that I missed a few treatments. He feels that this surgery is the best option for me and then said that actually it’s the only option. The Avastin, which is the best the cancer world has to offer me, will at best only buy me a little time, whereas this surgery may save my life. Indeed it is expected to or they wouldn’t be doing it.
So, how do I feel? Well, to be honest I was a little overwhelmed at first. I would be being untruthful if I didn’t admit that the immensity of the surgery frightens me. The recovery is very tough, it includes intense rehabilitation, I will lose my bladder, so it means having another bag – I will literally be a bag lady! It means having my rectum/anus completely sown up, everything in my pelvis gets removed so it is partly a radical hysterectomy as well as all the other things, I am not sure about my vagina but I think it’s quite likely they have to remove that too! Don’t ask me what that involves and don’t ask me how I am going to cope with that happening to me at the age of 39. I guess I will cope for Jack’s sake. So, as my mum puts it, she wants me to live as much as anyone, except perhaps for my children, but she still can’t help feeling ‘at what cost?’ She knows she should probably be glad that it can be done and that my life can be saved and she is but she finds it just heart wrenching that this is my only option. I understand completely what she means by that.
Then, later, when I was finally completely alone, I started thinking about how close I have come to losing my life, to Jack losing his mother, I have tasted it, tasted the fear and pain, the absolute gut wrenching thought of Jack’s pain when I just ceased to exist. When he couldn’t turn to me and say how sad he was feeling, oh the thought of what he would go through was just tragic. All these thoughts went through my head and then I literally had to grab hold of the wall because I almost fell to my knees in gratitude and hopefulness. I felt this amazing love and, well sorry to repeat myself, but gratitude well up and wash over me in waves. I thanked God for all I was worth. The saying ‘thou shalt not forsake me’ kept running through my mind and I’m not even a religious person, although I have always believed in God. It brings tears to my eyes now as I relive that moment writing it to you.
So all things considered, if the surgeons at Peter Mac do decide to go ahead, I am willing and oh so grateful for this second chance. Losing some of my insides is a small price to pay to get to stay with my boys. When I honestly think about what I would go through to save Jack from that pain of losing me, I would do anything I think, as long as I could still walk and talk, then I would do anything. It is not about me, it is about him, I do not want losing his mother at a very young age to be part of his heritage and part of who he is.
I must remember not to get too far ahead of myself because this is only the Oncologists opinion and as he said to me “I’m not a surgeon, but it looks as though everything is okay to go ahead from these test results.” He also seemed extremely happy, happy that I may have this chance. He told me that if I had decided to go through with it, to try not to think about it too much and just do it. Probably good advice, but easier said than done. I was talking to my nurse yesterday, before I went to my oncologist, she comes to see me once a fortnight. Anyway I asked her whether she had met anyone else that had had this kind of surgery as she works in the cancer and palliative community and is in charge of the nursing side of things across the entire peninsula. She has only ever met/seen one person who had this radical surgery. It was a woman about my age. She looked as though she wouldn’t recover from the surgery but she did- as thin as a rake. The cancer came back though, my nurse couldn’t remember exactly how long after the surgery it came back but she was sure it was under two years! I know everyone is different but it just shows that even if I do have this surgery, there is no 100% guarantee that it still won’t come back, or show up in a different place. They remove everything they can so it has nowhere to come back to in that area, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t pop it’s ugly head up somewhere else, does it? So I go into this with my eyes wide open, knowing that it is a good chance but not definite. I also forgot to mention that the surgery itself comes with quite some risks involved and it could kill me. However, I figure I’m dead anyway without it, whether it be in two years or now. That makes it worth the risk I believe.
Anyway as soon as I talk with my surgeons and find out exactly what is going to happen and whether they actually can do the surgery, I will report back and leave nothing out.