For most of my life, if I do not know exactly what I do want in my life I usually know what I do NOT want…
I have been trying to figure out what I should (there is that should word again) do with my life. I think I was trying to figure this out before cancer and after cancer it is weighing on my mind every day. This summer I have been looking for a job in Design. It is what my degree is in, it is what I have the most experience in. I have sometimes wondered if I have passed up the “good” opportunities because I have worked part-time for the last 15 years. So I decided I would look for a full time job and perhaps I would get that good opportunity.
Last month I interviewed with a very large firm here. Close to my home – perfect since many commute so far. Over 200 employees, an established name, beautiful office. I showed my portfolio, answered all of the questions. I thought I was interviewing for another department, but I tried not to show my disappointment. Then comes the talk about the hours – ah yes the hours in design… “Well we like people to arrive between 7 and 8 am and then you usually are done by 5pm”. I must have looked a bit shocked – because she chimed in “we work 4 – 9 hour days and from 8-12 on Fridays”. Oh that is a little better… but “once a month we have a companywide meeting from 12 to 1:30… but they buy us lunch”. “Sometimes a client wants a meeting on a Friday afternoon so we may have to accommodate them”.
Now having been around the design block so to speak, I dare to ask hour many hours a week they “average”? “Well, we are hoping (another operative word) that if you come on board we will eventually (another operative word) be able to get to a 40 hour week”. So how many hours are you putting in now? “About 50”.
So lets see – I will have to leave the house about 6:30am, find somewhere to drop my son off and have someone get him to school because he does not start until 8:40. I will be able to pick him up at 5:15 – but wait I still have to fit in an extra 2 hours per day so I pick him up at 7:15pm or 6:15 and I still work all day on Friday, plus probably part of the weekend and/or through lunch.
I finished the interview, got to the car and said NO WAY to myself. My thoughts were: I will get sick again, I will never see my kids, I just can NOT do it. I will have to figure something else out. I swear the thank you, but no thank you letter got to my house faster than I did. I guess the look of shock and the been there, done that demeanor did not help!!!
So I still do not know exactly what I want to do or what I should do, but I know what I do NOT want to do. What I can NOT do. I may have done it before cancer, but I definitely can NOT do it after cancer…