and then, sometimes God delivers

So, I was thinking about this sadness, heavy with this sadness. I went to my radiation appointment and we finally had my first treatment. It was fine, but a bit unnerving if only because up until now it’s been moving me around, tweaking this and that, taking picture after picture, and not having an actual treatment . . . . until today. For some reason, it all got to me and the tears were near the surface. One of them slipped out of my right eye all the way down my cheek. I don’t think any of the techs noticed because it was during one of the treatments when they were out of the room.

There are some things that of course I don’t quite understand about all of the treatment, even though they’ve tried to explain things in layperson’s terms. They call out numbers, they shift my body so it’s in exactly the right place that they need it to be, they write on me. There are four “field” that they’re radiating. Mainly, I just lie there, arms above my head, hands clasped together, head slightly turned to the left, chin lifted slightly, legs with my knees over a triangle shaped device, chest displayed. I’ve gotten to the point where I have no modesty in that room. The radiation tech is male, a big bear of a guy with a loud booming voice, a very kind man who likes to joke around but also likes to ask questions about my job, about books, and has also asked about my son.

So I felt slightly better when I left radiation. I went to JC Penney to try to find something for a friend going through a difficult time, but couldn’t find anything quite right for her. I was then browsing through the jewelry section and a silver ring caught my eye, a simple silver ring on sale for half price with the words inscribed on it “Love Life.” I tried it on, and it fit. Then I noticed words inscribed on the inside: “BE BRAVE,” all in caps. Love Life — I had to get it for myself.

When I got in the car to leave the shopping center, a bug flew into my car. Startled, I looked around and saw what it was — a ladybug, that had settled on my shirt. A ladybug, as is stated in Wikipedia:

Some people consider seeing them or having them land on one’s body to be a sign of good luck to come,

I looked down and whispered, “Thank you,” and waited for it to fly away of its own accord.

Upon coming home, I was greeted by a boisterous Nate who told me that we have electricity! — we hadn’t had it since Sunday evening around 7 p.m. and thought we wouldn’t have it until this coming weekend, so we were very happy to have it a few days earlier than expected. Dishes can be washed, clothes can be washed, and we can get proper baths and showers instead of the short ones we’ve been getting because the water has been cold. Yes, we have a gas water heater, but the thermostat is electric. Oh yeah.

Life is better.

Oh yeah, I still have that darn Stage 4 cancer and it’s still sad and scary, but I couldn’t help but feel like God delivered some happiness in the midst of my sadness. Even small things can help brighten low spirits, like they did for me this evening. The sadness is still there, but it’s not so overwhelming, not weighing me down quite SO much.

There’s hope. There’s always hope.

Love Life.


Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.


4 Responses to and then, sometimes God delivers

  1. cancervisa says:

    I too had very unpredictable feelings during the “sims”. Was this an exact science?

  2. Loved this post.

    Sometimes, when I’m experiencing something particularly nice, I try to capture the moment like a “snapshot.” I try to imprint the feelings on my sole, to make that moment a permanent part of me.

    Especially when that moment involves my kids, I just want to hold on to it forever.

    Love Life!!

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