I just had a light bulb moment. Light bulbs and I have a real love/hate relationship. On one hand, I’m all about insight and, ah, illumination. Ha! On the other, well, like most people, I just plain hate feeling dumb. Sometimes those Ah-ha! moments can do that to me. Maybe this one was more of a Homer Simpsonesque “Doh!” moment…
Anywho…. I was reading back through the recent posts here at MWC, admiring Sarah’s beautiful picture sans hat, when I also noticed her Pink Ribbon T-shirt. (Sarah, you look lovely in pink. It’s a wonderful color for you!) I was remembering what an intense aversion I had to all things of the Pink Ribbon variety when I was going through treatment. I marvelled at women like Sarah who could wear their hearts on their sleeves so freely.
I remember seeing pink ribbon shirts and hats, keychains, bookmarks, car magnets, merchandise ad infinitum. I just couldn’t do it. To be fair, I’m not a pink person to begin with. Fuchsia? Absolutely. Salmon? Make me look tan, baby! Pink? Eh, not so much. Secretly, I used to think, “Why Breast Cancer? The Pink Ribbon. Ugh! Why couldn’t I have gotten a cancer whose ribbon was black, or a nice winter color that I’d look good in?” LOL! I guess I needed to trivialize it somehow, huh.
Well, that’s where the Ah-ha Doh moment came in.
It’s been 2 years and 10 months since my diagnosis, and just a few moments ago I realized that my shuddering Pink Ribbon Aversion was the First Stage of Grief. Denial. A big fat dose of it, complete with a chorus of ‘La, la, la. I can’t hear you’ and it’s fingers shoved deeply into the recesses of my ears.
What’s worse is that I don’t think I’ve ever been in denial before. And yet, I get the irony of that sentiment. I suppose I always took the Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, literally. As in, “I do NOT have cancer.” And that is just not my style. Besides, who am I to argue with CT scans, bloodwork, and a grossly enlarged, red angry breast? I didn’t realize denial could be so insidious. Sneaky little bugger.
I better start turning on some more lights around my house. I thought I skipped right over the anger phase, too.