Thanks For The Memories

Memory.  Remembering things good or bad that happened in the past.  That would be my definition here in a pinch.  Our memory includes things we did, places we saw, experiences with others, mistakes we made.  What it doesn’t include is something that was going on that we didn’t know about.  How can we remember something that we didn’t know was happening?

I know….I am taking pain meds for this lovely sunburn.  But I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

When I was diagnosed with IBC my doctor told me that I had probably only had it for 3-4 months before I was diagnosed. 

So I’ve been thinking alot about what my body was doing a year ago at this time.  What was it about last fall that a minute cell in my body got the wrong information and starting creating chaos in my breast?  What was I doing last fall?  What did I touch?  What did I smell?  What did I eat? 

I have spent many a day wondering what it was that caused my cancer.  This is a big month for breast cancer and everyplace I read I realize how low risk I am.  Whew….what a relief!  LOL!  I breastfed for 6 years total.  I had no family history?  I was not gene positive.  I exercised A LOT as a youth…..was in track, cross-country and cheer-leading.  Ran and coached after college.  Taught swimming lessons, did triathlons.

Jeremy says one day I’m going to have to give up knowing how I got breast cancer.  My oncologist says it’s pretty normal.

Here are some thoughts that have passed through my head.

Was it any of the following?

I live near a highway?

I like ice cream?

I drink way too much coffee?

I painted my front door last fall and got it all over my hands?

I bought a new mini-van and paid extra to have them put toxic chemicals all over the outside to keep it looking new longer?

I sleep on a mattress that probably has fire retardents.

I swam for years in chlorine including washing everyday in the shower with chlorinated treated water?

I had an IUD (don’t anymore)?

Lived in old house for several years?

Drank unfiltered water for years?

Gained more than 50 pounds when I was pregnant?

Eat animal products (Thanks to The China Study)?

Oh…..I could go on.  If I’ve ever done it, I’ve considered it.

Jeremy is probably right.  I’ll probably never know. 

But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it occasionally and trying to figure it out.  And on the anniversary of my body making a HUGE mistake I find my mind wondering as to the cause.

Oh the memories….

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4 Responses to Thanks For The Memories

  1. “Why this? Why now? Why me?” Such natural questions. Having the answer wouldn’t change that it happened, of course. But you could regain some sense of control by avoiding the cause from now on and by taking action to keep your children safer.

    Right now, it seems the answer is not available. Continuing to want answers and to search for answers can be costly. I hope you find this article useful:

    http://www.oncology-times.com/pt/pt-core/template-journal/oncotimes/media/WendyHarpham-BedBuddy-OT-March102006.pdf

    With hope, Wendy

  2. linseykrolik says:

    I did this too for a long time after I was diagnosed (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 7 years ago). My oncologist said “well, we don’t know what caused it. But we know how to treat it.” There are many things that are out of your control and many things you don’t know are happening in your body. But that doesn’t mean that all of those great things you do to keep yourself healthy aren’t worth something. I guess you never know all the positive effects that are happening in your body either.

    What I think about most is what will the future be like for cancer and my children. I would love to see a CURE for all cancers by the time by kids are, say, in high school. And I do think it is possible. And I do think that treatments will be less devastating as well. My husband reads a lot of medical news and he is constantly saying “there was something new discovered today to fight cancer.” It is a hopeful time to be living.

  3. katbur says:

    A friend of mine told me years ago that heaven is where you get your questions answered. I don’t want to wait to find out either but maybe that’s all we’ve got. There is part of me that doesn’t want to know because if it winds up being my fault I’ll spend too much time being pissed about the past rather than living in the present.

  4. When I was diagnosed the second time, I couldn’t understand it. I kept looking for where we made a mistake the first time. But there were no mistakes. No one, not even the doctors, understands how I ended up with metastasis. Some things are beyond our control.

    Thinking that we have control over anything in our life is an illusion. God controls our illnesses and our cures. God determines our future. And our doctors are just His emisaries. We don’t always understand what is happening to us, or why, but we have faith that God has His reasons. We don’t sees the big picture; but we have faith that what is happening to us is part of God’s plan.

    Perhaps, when we meet in heaven, we will find the answers. But maybe not.

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