I called the group leader of the cancer support group today, H., to see if she knew what the video tonight would be about. I just told her my concern that if it was an “End of Time” video, that I didn’t think I could take it right now.
I also told her that I’ve been excessively cranky/moody lately and I didn’t know if it was getting used to Tamoxifen or what. Her words:
It’s the chemo, Judy. It makes you mean as a snake. I don’t care if you haven’t had the full dose in months; it takes a long time for that stuff to get out of you. But it will. But I’ll tell you that the stress you’ve been under for nearly a year plus the chemo just makes you as mean as a snake.
I told H. that I had to stop, that I’ve been arguing with people like I don’t typically do, that I usually let things go at a certain point, but lately I’m just going ON and ON and ON about things and I won’t let go and that isn’t like me. I tell her I’m afraid I’m going to lose some friends over things.
You won’t, Judy. You won’t if they’re real friends. And you can tell them about the chemo. It’s real. You can have them call me; I’ll tell them!!
and she laughs.
I tell her how I’ve been to Frank but Frank doesn’t seem to mind or is just kind of oblivious to it. She just says, “That’s true love, huh?” We laugh about it, because what can you do, after all, but laugh. Well, I cry these days too, over the simplest things.
This damn disease. H. told me that it absolutely does change you forever. Oh, not that the meanness will stay forever; she did say that would eventually get better, thank the Good Lord. But that we’re changed in ways that will stay with us forever. That priorities change, that opinions change. She did say that she’s much more outspoken because ever since she was diagnosed she feels like she just doesn’t have the time that she used to; she has to get her words out now. Hmmmm . . . . yes, I do believe I’m getting even more outspoken than I was, and that’s a mixed blessing, I believe.
Have I ever mentioned that I hate cancer? OK, I know hate is a strong word, but I’ll use it in this case . . .
because I do.
Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.