Yes, I’m trying so very hard to be a Hopemonger, because I really think that’s who I truly am, and in my good times that IS who I am.
A Hopemonger for the country as a whole — and nowadays I am a Hopemonger for the country as a whole, that part isn’t hard at all — and a Hopemonger for myself. It’s the Hopemonger for myself that’s being hard these days. You know what, though? This is the time when it should be easiest. I’ve gone through all the treatment I’ll go through except the maintenance chemo and the Tamoxifen which is just a pill. My cancer tumor markers have been wonderful for two months in a row.
I have a CT scan coming up on December 4, and I think I just have too much riding on it. I am expecting everything from this, and that scares me.
With the broad, greater life outside of myself, Hope is easy. I can see it so clearly. With my own life, Hope is harder. It’s been a very hard year and I’ve done the very best that I can to keep going through it all. To keep living, to keep my spirits up, to keep doing, to keep believing, to keep Hoping. And the thing is, even if this scan shows some tumors left in the liver, there are still options for me. But I so want everything to be gone. I can’t tell you how much I want everything to be gone. Is there such a thing as wanting it too much, because if there is, I do.
So I think about Dec. 4, not too far away now, and I just start crying automatically. I have too much riding on this. I need a clear scan, after everything that I’ve been through, after all of the fears, the treatments, the difficulties of the year, I so need a clear scan, but you see, even with the good news as of late, there’s still no guarantee that I’ll get it. Maybe I’m trying to be a Hopemonger, but I’m new at it, and when it comes to me, to this scan — which is huge to me — I’m having a hard time at it.
I’m making it Everything. Everything. And then the “what if”s come. And I can’t stand it.
I need my Hopemongering to kick in, bigtime, but it’s hard when I haven’t felt able to trust my own body for nearly a year. When I’ve mistrusted results, tests, because The Big Tests failed me. Or I failed them.
I want it so bad I can, as they say, taste it. I want the R word, Remission. I don’t want to be Cancergrrrl anymore, not for awhile anyways. OK, not ever again. It will always be with me to some extent as mine is incurable, but I want a nice long, looooong Remission. Remissiongrrrrl would be a nice change of pace for awhile.
Oh, Dec. 4.
Please let me have this.
Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.