waiting on the morning . . . .

I go in for the CT scan at 10:30, and though things have been looking extremely good for me, I can’t help but be anxious and scared.

There’s so very much riding on this, I feel. My main treatments are over. I know there are options if there’s still cancer in my body, but I am so very tired. Just so very tired of it all.

I still have the maintenance chemo treatments once/week until June.

After that, I really want to be done. After that, if all I have to do for the cancer is take a pill every day, I would be really glad about that.

I won’t be the same, even if there isn’t any cancer in my body. I’m not the same person now. This has changed me forever, and there’s no going back to Before.

It’s a New Normal.

I won’t know anything tomorrow, but right now, I’m scared. I’ll be fine . . . but in the darkness of the night, with thoughts of everything I’ve been through, I’ve gone through simply because I had to, I cry just because I don’t quite know how I did it all. I just did it because I had to. Because I love this damn life I have. Because I love my family and I want to be with them as long as I can. Because no matter what shit may happen here on this earth, I’d rather be here dealing with it than leave this earth earlier than I had planned and not have all the time I had hoped for, time to raise my son, time to work and rest and time to live and mostly time to love.

Yes, there are options if there’s still cancer in my body, and if that’s the case, I’ll do what needs to be done.

I just want all of this to be over. I want my life back, I want to not feel like Cancer Grrrl, I want to get used to My New Normal, even though I’ve been living it for awhile now and it keeps changing a bit; I want to know exactly who I am now.

I want to be able to take a real, actual breath. I don’t think I’ve really breathed deeply for a very long time, and I want to not have cancer at the back of my mind 24/7, even if unconsciously.

I want to not think about dying. I want to not estimate “if I live x number of years, Nate will be this old, and if I live y number of years, Nate will be that old.”

I know that even if the CT scan shows that I’m in remission, I still have a high likelihood of recurrence with Inflammatory Breast Cancer . . . . but I don’t want to, and possibly just won’t think that way unless it actually happens.

I want to have my belief in the power of prayer validated.

I want my miracle.

Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.


2 Responses to waiting on the morning . . . .

  1. Angela says:

    Dear Judy,
    I am praying for you, but please do not forget that God is infinitely merciful.

  2. […] Cross-posted to Mothers With Cancer. […]

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