I not OK.

One time, when we were walking the girl to school, the boy took a digger on the asphalt.  Not fun for any age really.  I picked up him up and soothed him saying, “You’re OK.  You’re OK.”  He looked at me with a teary eye and stated, very emphatically I might add, “I NOT OK.”  And really he was right.

So today I had to go get an ultrasound of my leg to check for a blood clot.  Thankfully, it was a clean scan, but it got me to thinking (and a minor meltdown),  Why is it so important to be OK all the time?  When people ask how I am, I mostly answer, “I’m fine.”  because I don’t want to ruin their day.

But the truth is, I’m not fine.  I’m tired.  And I’m angry.  I’m angry that I’m still dealing with cancer crap and probably will for the foreseeable future.  I’m scared.  It is so exhausting being scared all the time.  I pretty much have the fortitude to deal with one stressful cancer related thing at a time.  So when this possible blood clot showed up and I’m still trying to deal with the lymphedema thing – I melted.  I cried.  Went to the hospital, got the results.  And cried some more.  Not happy relieved tears either.  Angry, self pitying ones.

I hate that cancer has turned me into Crisis Mom.  I’m unreliable.  I hate that.  Thank God I’m somewhat flexible, or I would have melted months ago.

So I guess, in the words of J, “I not OK.”

And I’m not sure when I will be.  But I think THAT might be OK.


Crossposted to ThrowsLikeAGirl

9 Responses to I not OK.

  1. lorri steer says:

    Love you! Sending a hug!

  2. Spruce Hill says:

    There is only so much we can take mentally and physically. It takes a lot of energy being positive and being OK all the time. I hate it when people ask me how I am, I always say oh I’m great! But you are right you don’t want to bring everyone down. Nobody wants to hear “Well I am having panic attacks and I am afraid all the time and I have trouble sleeping.”

    It is ok to not be ok all the time. It’s ok to melt down and be angry and all that stuff. You can’t hold it all in, you need to let it out once and a while.

    I am sorry you had to go through that today. *HUGS*

  3. clergygirl says:

    You’re post hit home for me….I’m dealing with a ruptured cyst and going for an ultrasound today. I used to feel so healthy….then cancer happened…

  4. Charles says:

    What a great posting. It is so important to acknowledge how you are feeling, and that it is OK to feel that way.

  5. francesbarrie says:

    It’s odd isn’t it…I guess our level of “o-kay-ness” changed as soon as we heard the words…”you have cancer”. Stay strong!

  6. bcjenster says:

    I’ve been done with chemo for over three years now. I’m only now starting to feel like I’m not dealing with one thing after another. Still dealing with stuff and always will, but everything at once. So yeah. Sometimes we’re not okay. What IS okay is to get mad at cancer. Stupid cancer!

  7. whymommy says:

    Yup. A lot of us are still struggling to be okay..

  8. Your son was spot on when he told you how he was feeling. It is wonderful to have that confidence to correct people and tell them what is in your heart, freely and without pause.

    Adults, of course, are more complex. We worry about how people will respond. We don’t want to burden them. We don’t want to put them off.

    Also, honestly, I often don’t want to get into it. I often don’t have the strength to deal with other people’s responses. I don’t want sad eyes or sympathetic sighs. I just want to get on with things.

    Most of the time, I am</i) fine (within the parameters of my “new normal”). And, when I’m not, and I feel like sharing, I answer honestly, sometimes in great detail (gotta watch that TMI thing)

    If the person who asked can’t deal, that is there problem. If they are going to ask, then I am going to answer.

    The truth is that, like your son, sometimes “I not fine”


    I find that I can deal with one major crisis: my cancer. Beyond that, I struggle to keep things working smoothly. And I do a pretty good job. But I am barely holding it together.

    Add any other crisis, even a small one, and I lose it. I find myself struggling not to cry over the smallest things (and I am not always successful. I feel like screeming: I have cancer, I can’t handle anything else!!

    Then there are those other days. The relatively smooth days when I feel almost normal….

  9. laurie says:

    It’s OK to say when we are not OK. Sometimes this is really, really hard. And what RivkA said. 😉

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