New lump found today-2009 wins afterall

(by Lyn) I have this image of a boxing ring in the middle of a huge auditorium and in one corner is the year 2009, and on the floor knocked out cold and bleeding on the mats is me. It’s doing a victory dance with its arms in the air cheering, I WIN I WIN. I think it heard me bashing it earlier today, heard me talking about how I cannot wait to say good riddance and it decided to get in one last knockout jab before the new year.

I had a routine post-op appointment with the breast surgeon earlier today, I was looking forward to seeing Kate because I haven’t seen her since my left drain was removed. My oncologist suggested I talk with her about my joint pains and see if she has any ideas (she’s very involved with her patients unlike many surgeons), and to show off my radiation wounds that are still present. I assumed she would check out my chest to make sure I’m healing fine and send me on my way. What I didn’t see coming during the check-up was her fingers stopping in a specific spot on the inner ridge of my right chest. Right on the seam of my bi-lateral cut. Then she said the words we’ve all heard: “It’s probably nothing, but there is a small lump present that I don’t remember being there. I’m sure it’s nothing Lyn, but I don’t like it when I don’t remember these things so let’s do an ultrasound right away to be sure. If they think it’s suspicious I’m ordering an immediate biopsy to follow.”

She wanted to do it today, but I was unable due to having the kids in the car with hubby who had to get back to work and said Monday or Tuesday would be better for me. They said they will schedule it and get back to me. Walking out the door she said ‘well it’s not Inflammatory, whatever it is’. I know it’s illogical to be worried about having another cancer so soon, or to think that the IBC has trekked its way across my chest but I can’t help but be worried and mostly frustrated because I JUST HAD A DOUBLE MASTECTOMY!!!!! I JUST finished twice a day radiation. I just finished hell year. I am supposed to be DONE with ultrasounds, and biopsies and ‘possible cancer’. This is the exact reason I had the elective bi-lateral and full hysterectomy. To avoid this situation. I assumed one might happen in the future, but not today. Not right now. I can’t frickin believe it.  I am going to assume it’s nothing and try not to stress this weekend, but the thought of going to the hospital to start this over again makes me nautious.  Everyone cross your fingers for me that her prediction of ‘I”m sure it’s nothing’ is exactly that this round.

7 Responses to New lump found today-2009 wins afterall

  1. Stella says:

    Oh, Lynn! Let’s hope you wake up tomorrow to find it was all a bad dream. You will hold a special place in my prayers tonight. Think positive and believe in that perfect 10!

  2. whymommy says:

    Oh, crap, Lyn, really?

    Am rooting for “nothing” — keep us posted, friend!

  3. Angela says:

    I had my matectomy in July 2006 and finished quemo in December. Three months later I was going to get my implant and my porta cath removed when I noticed “something” near the scar, my porta cath was not removed but the implant was “installed” and the “thing” removed. I was told that I would have to get radiation. I know perfectly well how you feel.
    Some days later I received a phone call, my surgeon told me: “extraordinary news, it was nothing”.
    I will cross my fingers for you (and I will also pray for you).
    Keep the faith!

  4. Dear Lyn,

    The landscape of survivorship is littered with checkups and false alarms. Everyone has to find what self-talk helps them through times of uncertainty. Different mantras work for different people. When I’ve had to wait before evaluating new lumps or other findings, these were helpful to me:

    * It is what it is. Thinking, dreaming or worrying about it won’t change what it is.

    * While doing all the right things to have it evaluated, I will assume it is benign. This way, if it is indeed benign I will not have wasted time and energy worrying over something that was nothing. And if it is a problem? I can deal with it then. Worrying now will not make bad news any easier to accept.

    * I do NOT have a problem until I have a problem.

    Even if these don’t help you, maybe they’ll help you find phrases that do help. With hope, Wendy

  5. jaydub26 says:

    fingers crossed for it being “nothing” – having just had recurrence to internal mammary lymph node only 5 months out from treatment, I have been where you are now and I am really hoping it is nothing – IBC sucks

  6. herbs says:

    It may be nothing, stay strong and positive!

  7. Donna says:

    It’s nothing. It’s scar tissue from the stitches. I had a place on my scar. Your doctor is being cautious. You want that. I’m a 2 year survivor with a 5 year little boy with autism.

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