That dreaded word: recurrence. I’ve already posted about this on my blog, but I’ll finally ‘fess up here. I have a recurrence of my cancer. I found out on Nov. 2.
If people want a “nice” answer for how I’m doing, I’ll say I’m doing fine, that the oncologist was positive in my appointment with her (and she was) and that I have a ton of support (and I do) . . .
but the truth is that now, this very moment, these past couple of days, I’ve been struggling.
I hate hate hate cancer. I hate having cancer. It’s made and is making me a different person, but not necessarily a better person. I’m more afraid, more vulnerable, and some people don’t like that. Well, to be fair, so far only one person hasn’t liked it. That person has said it’s not the cancer, it’s basically all these other things wrong with me (in so many words), but I don’t believe that because we didn’t have problems before I was diagnosed with cancer.
Anyways, I digress. I’m angry. And sad. And I know that I have the kind of cancer (Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer) that will put me in and out of remission for the rest of my life. And that I want that life to be a fairly long one because it’s a good one and I want to be here for my son, my husband, and my other family and loved ones.
I want to live and I live in fear that I won’t.
I’ll have treatment once/week, just like last time. I’m on a 4-week cycle — three weeks of 3 drugs (Carboplatin, Taxol, and Herceptin), and one week of just Herceptin. I’ll lose my hair, my face will bloat and get pimply from the steroids and I’ll have some bad days and other very bad days. Good days too. I had some very good days last week and on Saturday. Sunday was the pits so I think I’m still feeling the effects of that. I’m cranky and angry, and I tell you what, some people really don’t want to deal with that. But what do I do?
I’ll read my Bible. I’ll reach out to people. I’ll pray.
But I might still be angry.
So it’s been hard.
I just can’t lie about it. It’s hard.