A new Year a New Hair Do

After getting my hair cut really short on The Wednesday before Christmas my hair continued to fall out after my chemo on Thursday. The day after Christmas I decided it was time and I shave it all off. It came out so easily I barely had to even touch it with my razor. So I’m bald again. I never thought I would be here again. I even gave away all my scarves a year or so ago, thinking I would never need them again. I gave them too a friend in my support group. Everyone came through and I have lots of new scarves and hats and got my old ones back. I am all stocked up. It’s a bit colder being bald in the winter, wooo! So no more flying under the radar, now I look like I have cancer. I was really enjoying my hair and not looking like I was doing chemotherapy. It was nice I felt like I was incognito. Mow not so much, we went shopping at the mall the day after I shaved my head and I got stares and smiles, people being nice to me just because I have a scarf on my head. That is something I never get used to. I tied my wig on the other day and I still hate it. It’s itchy and ugly and I just don’t like  it. If I do get a new wig I am going long and bright! It’s hard to get used to being bald again, I see myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Today was my first day back to my regular routine, picking the kids up at school. I waited until the last-minute to get out of the car, not wanting to talk about it and avoiding all the Mommies. I felt guilty about it afterwords. They all think I am so strong but I don’t feel that way inside. I feel like a sacred little girl not wanting to be noticed and be different from everyone else. I guess that doesn’t change as we get older. We just don’t realize it until something happens.

Cancer is not just something that happens to your body but it really effects your mind as well. I lay in bed and wonder about all kinds of things. About my girls and how they are taking my second battle with cancer. I worry about my husband and all the extra things he has to worry about. I worry about my parents and them worrying about their child with cancer. I worry about my siblings, and how they handle it. I worry about everything at 3:00 in the morning. Every night before bed I pray that I sleep. That I will not wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to turn off my brain. It’s hard having cancer, going through treatment. I never imagined in a million years that I would be doing this all again for a second time. The stakes are higher this time and it scares the crap out of me.

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8 Responses to A new Year a New Hair Do

  1. pam says:

    Sorry didn’t stop for a chat at pick up today. Stay strong, you will get through this in spite of losing your hair

  2. whymommy says:

    I think it’s a good look. I love this picture. It reminds me how strong you are, and how strong we are together.

    Hang in, babe. You’ve got this.

  3. Lahdeedah says:

    I read this post on your blog, Sarah, and was so impressed with your candidness. In re-reading here on MWC, I noticed a typo (hey, I’m an editor, afterall). “I feel like a sacred little girl…” It made me smile. I’m sure you meant “scared little girl,” but I like “sacred” so much more. One of the definitions of the word sacred is “worthy of respect.” That describes you to a tee. Whenever I go to Spruce Hill, which is often, I am simply amazed at what a capable, creative woman you are.

    xo

    Jill

  4. justenjoyhim says:

    You’re an amazing woman, Sarah. I have some of the same worries that you do, with my son going through this with me for a second time. It’s so hard. *Hugs* and prayers to you.

  5. Haylie says:

    I think you are brave and beautiful.

  6. annie says:

    I understand your last paragraph so well, 2 to 4am is the hardest time for me.

    http://lostinthechaos.wordpress.com/2010/12/01/the-darkest-hours/

    I’m sorry you’re going through it again! I know when my drugs stopped working, the hardest thing I had to do was tell my girls.

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