why I visit them (by Judy)

Them: those who have gone before me. Other mothers lost to cancer.

I was visiting their blogs last night, the blogs that are still up. Cancer kills, folks. I know that people also survive cancer, and there’s nothing than I want more than to be one of the survivors, to be here to raise my son, to see him as a man someday. To be so proud of him with each passing year.

Yet, I don’t know what the future brings. I am sad these days. Treatment is hard, harder than it was the first time around. We don’t know yet if it’s working, if the tumors are shrinking. The most we know is that the cancer tumor markers are staying the same.

I fear dying more than death. I fear leaving my son before he’s ready, before I’m ready. I believe in the afterlife, but there is so much more life on this earth that I want to live before I go on.

I visited blogs of dead women, dead mothers. I visit to remember them as I’d want to be remembered. I visit to see how they felt during their last months, days. Did they know they were dying? Some of them did. They all had beautiful words about their children, plans for who would take care of their children. For those of us who are mothers, it always is about our children first.

Now, I don’t want someone to tell me not to visit those blogs because they bring me down. They don’t. I’m already kind of down, but I’m sure it’s a passing thing. It’s just a hard thing to have cancer, period, and it’s hard to have it for a second time. It seems cruel and unusual, although many people have recurrences. However, I’m really struggling.

I’ll get through. I just want to GET THROUGH and beat this sucker, once again. I need to, for my son.

And sometimes I need to talk about it. I thank anyone who is reading.


Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.


16 Responses to why I visit them (by Judy)

  1. […] Pingback: why I visit them (by Judy) « Mothers With Cancer […]

  2. Bon says:

    Judy, i visit them too. because the mark that they were here seems important to me.

    i don’t have cancer, haven’t had to face cancer yet in my own life. but it runs deep through my family and has impacted the lives of some friends. and somehow i ended up reading a few blogs by mothers living with cancer, and came to know them through their voices. sometimes i happen on back, just to hear those voices, or to hear from husbands how the family is continuing on, how the children are doing. i check in b/c i know those mothers were afraid for their kids, and i want to know, want to see with my own eyes that they are still growing, surviving.

    wishing you well.

  3. Theresa says:

    I think its wonderful that you honor the lives lost by others with the same plight. I read your blog because it makes me feel like my boyfriend and I are not alone with all the guilt, and mixed up feeling we get everytime we have a CTscan. I enjoy that you “need to talk about it” cause I live with a man with cancer who interalizes it all, so when I read what you wrote I imagine that is what he is thinking he is just not saying. Thanx.

  4. laura says:

    judy…you don’t know me…but here is a hug…and read what you want honey….i just want you to know that you are in my prayers and thoughts…i pray for what you ask…the time you want with your baby….thank you for your honesty…

  5. David says:

    Hi Judy,

    David here from “The Comfy Place”. I’m keeping Jen’s blog going for her for now. It’s just over a year since Jen passed away and it warms my heart to hear that you honour Jen and others who have gone from this world for now. Huge hugs to you (and your son!) Thinking of you and sending you love and prayers.
    David. XOXO

    • whymommy says:

      Wow. I just was over at Jen’s place. I didn’t know you’d been here, David. I haven’t been by in so long … but I was really missing Jen today.

      She gave all of us such a gift by telling us the truth, from her heart, and even from hospice.

      Thank you for sharing Jack and Jamie with us.

  6. Lynne says:

    I’m reading too.

  7. Stimey says:

    I’m reading. I’m always reading. Your voice is so important. I wish you the best.

  8. whymommy says:

    I’m here. I visit them too.

    It was all I could do not to nominate Jen Ballantyne for a Bloggie this year. In fact I would have … but she left us in 2009.

    I miss her.

    I miss an awful lot of them.

    I treasure your friendship. Now. And always.

  9. Jen Singer says:

    I keep the names and numbers of my oncology roommates, long gone, in my phone as a reminder, too.

    I get it.

    Great post.

  10. ChemoBabe says:

    i visit my brother’s voice blog. i visit my friend josh’s blog. i think as we move through our own journeys, we can connect differently to theirs. we can see things that we could not.

    that is the gift, i think, of sharing these stories on blogs. they are there to turn back to, to help us, to give us strength and courage. thank you for sharing your story with us, susan. you do that too. xox

  11. k8 says:

    Oh, Judy…..5 million hugs to you. We all go there – because we remember them…..will always remember them. They were here and they made a difference. And they keep making a difference, just in a different way now.

    I hope all of your wishes come true – but I especially pray that you get to raise your boy, see him graduate, and hold your grandbabies………


  12. jill says:

    I visit them too. As a mother with cancer (now in remission) I visit them to remind me that nothing can be taken for granted. Everyday is a blessing and when I find myself a bit too smug about life, I visit them. I remember them and I cry. Then I go back to my life, a little more real and hopefully more thankful. I’m still here but who knows what the future brings.

  13. Lahdeedah says:

    Judy, I go to Jen Ballantyne’s and Katie Homen’s blogs, too. I feel as if those women have something still to say to me; as if they are still here with me. They tell me to love deeply, to forgive freely, and to live in this very moment. Thank you for continuing to share your feelings and your very lucid thoughts, Judy. I want you to be here for your son, too. I pray for that for you.



  14. lisasmith says:

    I visit them too. And I visit you and others who are in the thick of the fight. I visit those who, like me, are in remission. I pray for them, their families and for you. Just want you to know that.

  15. justenjoyhim says:

    Wow. What blessings all these comments are. What blessings all of you — and those who have gone before — are to me. I feel loved through the internet; thank you for that.

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