Them: those who have gone before me. Other mothers lost to cancer.
I was visiting their blogs last night, the blogs that are still up. Cancer kills, folks. I know that people also survive cancer, and there’s nothing than I want more than to be one of the survivors, to be here to raise my son, to see him as a man someday. To be so proud of him with each passing year.
Yet, I don’t know what the future brings. I am sad these days. Treatment is hard, harder than it was the first time around. We don’t know yet if it’s working, if the tumors are shrinking. The most we know is that the cancer tumor markers are staying the same.
I fear dying more than death. I fear leaving my son before he’s ready, before I’m ready. I believe in the afterlife, but there is so much more life on this earth that I want to live before I go on.
I visited blogs of dead women, dead mothers. I visit to remember them as I’d want to be remembered. I visit to see how they felt during their last months, days. Did they know they were dying? Some of them did. They all had beautiful words about their children, plans for who would take care of their children. For those of us who are mothers, it always is about our children first.
Now, I don’t want someone to tell me not to visit those blogs because they bring me down. They don’t. I’m already kind of down, but I’m sure it’s a passing thing. It’s just a hard thing to have cancer, period, and it’s hard to have it for a second time. It seems cruel and unusual, although many people have recurrences. However, I’m really struggling.
I’ll get through. I just want to GET THROUGH and beat this sucker, once again. I need to, for my son.
And sometimes I need to talk about it. I thank anyone who is reading.
Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.