Too Moody For This

Last night my 12-year-old daughter got in trouble with her father and he just barely raised his voice at her.  Her response to this was to look at him and say, do not yell at me.  I wasn’t sure if my husband’s head was going to explode or not…it was touch and go there for a while.  My reaction, on the other hand, was to cry.  This has been happening more and more often lately.  I went to the grocery store and my husband told me I bought the wrong kind of cheese – I could feel my chin quivering and the tears forming in my eyes.

I’m turning 42 this month.  I know what menopause feels like, because I had the honor of going through it when I went through chemo.  Not only is it my birthday this month, but it’s also my 2 year cancer free anniversary – which means it’s been two years since I’ve had a hot flash or a major mood swing.  So, ok, I’m going through menopause, right?  Am I just starting menopause at the ripe old age of 42?  Is this a carry over from chemo?  Is it cancer?  Is it cancer? Is it cancer?  I get so tired of thinking that. 

 I see my oncologist every 4 months now.  It’s been 5 months since my last appointment.  Putting off going to the doctor doesn’t change what the outcome is going to be.  Intellectually I know this.  When they found the lump in my breast, they told me to trust them, because it was probably nothing.  Boy, were they wrong that time.  If I hear that again this time, I think my head will explode.

3 Responses to Too Moody For This

  1. I hear ya. Sounds like a similar story to mine. Diagnosed at 40 and now I am 42 and feel like I aged 10 years in that time.

    We’ve been through a lot and I think we don’t give ourselves credit for that. Maybe we’re too hard on ourselves.

    Thanks for your post. It helps to see that I’m not alone in this mixed up world of survivor.

  2. says:

    It does get better. I can relate to your post too. Five years later there are fewer moments thinking about cancer. Believe it or not you will eventually think more about other things than you do about this, although I can’t imagine that it ever entirely goes away. My triple negative diagnosis at 45 threw me for a loop but it seems that the more time passes the more I believe that it will be alright.

  3. Jillian says:

    I hear you. I worry that every headache is my brain tumour coming back. Every blocked ear is my brain tumour coming back. Every ringing in my ear is my brain tumour coming back – a pattern is forming… But only tests tell the truth. My mind plays lots of tricks.

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