promises (by Judy)

I love this song, “Keep You Safe.” I love the melody, I love the lyrics, I love the idea that we can indeed keep our child(ren) safe from all the bad things, from dangers lurking in the world.

However, life has taught me that we really can’t make such promises to our kids. So much is beyond our control. So much of my life right now consists of things I didn’t — and wouldn’t — choose for myself or my family. I can’t even promise my child I’ll be here for him because I don’t know the route this cancer is going to take. I may not get to do the things I want to do: see Energy Boy grow up, go to college, marry (if he chooses), have children (if he chooses). I want to dance at his wedding, but if I’m being honest with myself, I probably won’t live that long. Of course, you never know and it might happen, but . . . . *sigh*, it’s unlikely.

It makes me sad. It makes me sad that I don’t have the naivete that the writer(s) of this song did, to be able to put into song that they’ll keep their children safe.

I miss that naivete, that unfettered belief that I’ll grow old, for chances are that I won’t. I think of that every time someone talks about growing old. I keep quiet about it, but I think about it every time.

I wish I could grow old. I wish I could make promises to my son about being around for him. And I sorely wish I could promise to keep him safe.

But I can’t. No one can, really, but those of us who live with terminal illnesses know this better than most.

Quiet your heart
It’s just a dream
Go back to sleep

I’ll be right here
I’ll stay awake
As long as you need me

To slay all the dragons
And keep out the monsters
I’m watching over you

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don’t be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

You’ll have your own battles to fight
When you are older
You’ll find yourself frozen inside
But always remember…

If you feel alone facing the giants
And you don’t know what to do…

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don’t be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you…

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don’t be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

Note: this is not me “giving up.” This is my reality, and the reality of many parents who sadly have terminal illnesses.

Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.


4 Responses to promises (by Judy)

  1. […] Cross-posted to Mothers With Cancer. […]

  2. Judy – i was thinking about this very thing the other day. Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor – it has been removed and I have a MRI every three months to check for regrowth – it will be a year this August, I’m nervous. So far so good, but the fact that the future is uncertain is something I regret. I know exactly how you feel. I hear friends make plans about “in five years” or “I’d like another baby” or whatever – and my goals are much more short term. The blissfulness of good health is something I miss. But everyday matters…x

  3. nancyspoint says:

    Like you said no one really knows the future. No one really knows how long they will be here. No one can make promises about the future. Cancer is like a great magnifying glass though isn’t it? Suddenly everything is magnified, including uncertainty.

  4. Impressive post. Uncertainty is very painless.

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