people often tell me. “If I didn’t know you had cancer, I wouldn’t think you were sick at all,” one person said.
One of the great ironies of my cancer is that I look fine, healthy in fact, yet I have this insidious breast cancer that metastasized to my liver. In fact, the sicker I’ve gotten, the healthier I’ve looked because the one main physical manifestation of cancer — hair loss — isn’t there any more. My hair started growing back while I was on the second chemo, navelbine and herceptin, and has continued to grow back while I’m on this new regimen, tykerb and xeloda.
Also, besides the fatigue, which just seems to be a constant with all cancer treatment, I’m doing OK. So far, I don’t have nausea, diarrhea, or rashes on my hands and feet, which are possible side effects listed for this chemo.
I just also have no idea if it’s working.
There are those who believe that if I feel good and am “doing so well” on this chemo, it must be a good thing, I must be responding to the chemo. However, since I felt good (except for the fatigue) on the navelbine/herceptin mix, I know that’s not necessarily true.
In fact, I don’t seem to know what’s true anymore, as far as chemo treatment goes. I can’t predict this one. In a big way, I’m afraid to predict this one because the last two didn’t work and those failures were devastating. Not only did they not work, the cancer got worse throughout each treatment. Not fun, not fun at all.
I’m just trying my best out here, wanting to be and remain the best mother I can be to Energy Boy, wanting to stick around for him and for me so I can see him growing up.
I look fine. I feel pretty good (aside from fatigue and neuropathy in my hands). But the truth is that I’m sick.
I hate being sick. I hate this uncertainty. I need to get back to a place where I put my faith and trust into God, no matter what the outcome. I had that once; I need to get it back.
I just don’t know how.
Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.