Sh*t Girls Say to Girls with Breast Cancer

This? Is the Kind of Thing That Drives Me Batty (by Judy)

OK, now that we’re done laughing uproariously from the wordplay on the shirt, let’s just not buy it.

No, really. Let’s not.

According to the blurb on the site:

Our Personalized Breast Cancer Awareness Black T-shirt is a great way to support the fight against Breast Cancer.

My response?

No, no it’s really NOT.

Squeeze a boob, save the ta-tas. NO. Sorry to be a pill with this stuff, but I would gather that many of us who have in fact lost boob(s) or ta-ta(s) don’t find these t-shirts funny, nor do we think they actually help the fight against breast cancer.

I mean, really! Where on that site does it say that they donate any money to a breast cancer research foundation? It doesn’t. So my assumption is that this “fight against breast cancer” takes place on people’s chests which is ineffective at best and offensive to some of us at worst.

As Ginny Mason, Executive Director of an organization that I DO suggest you give your money to, The Inflammatory Breast Cancer Research Foundation, said in a comment to a post of mine on Facebook:

Most “pink stuff” is marketing only….perhaps a little money is donated to bc causes but the company gets the tax write-off then. If you want to make a difference, find a bc organization you think is doing good work, support them personally and get the tax write-off yourself! If you need a pink broom, pink mixer, etc. get some spray paint!!

Good advice, very good advice.

*sigh*, I have a feeling it’s going to be a very long October.
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Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.

what it comes down to . . . , by Judy

as far as Pinktober. I wrote this in a comment to a discussion on a Facebook friend’s post, and thought I would include it here as well. I’ve edited it and added a few things:

Some breast cancer survivors really like Pinktober, get into the pink ribbons, etc. Me? — not so much. Maybe it’s because I’m Stage IV, maybe it’s because I have Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) . . . For probably many reasons, I’m not fond of Pinktober. I think Tracy Clark-Flory’s Salon piece is brilliant.

However, I do know that people on FB — those who are making their profile pictures pink, the purse thing, etc. — are incredibly well-meaning. When I can try to take myself and my enormous emotions about having IBC out of it, I DO know that peeps generally mean very well. I may need to be reminded of it from time to time because, well, having this tends to make me very cranky from time to time.

Companies that profit off of Pinktober, though? — they’re a whole different story, and I really DO resent ANY company profiting off of ANY illness like some do. This is a deadly disease, not something to make a buck off of. There are some good companies, some good campaigns. I highly recommend that everyone read what the very informative website Think Before You Pink says about how to evaluate what campaigns are good, which aren’t (or are ineffective), and which are just plain bad. I used to “click every day for breast cancer” myself, but since I read TBYP’s website, I realized that free mammograms are already offered to low income women, and I learned just how many clicks it takes to get ONE mammogram:

Tens of thousands of clicks are needed for one mammogram. Literally.

Source: Breast Cancer Action

I’ve just checked Pink Ribbons, Inc. out of the library and am interested in what it says about Pinktober. I think I’ll learn a lot.
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Cross-posted to Just Enjoy Him.

letter of the day!

Yesterday, CBC Radio’s Q featured an interview with Samantha King, author of Pink Ribbons Inc.

At the end of the interview, listeners asked the following questions (they were also posted to the Q blog): What are your impressions of cancer fundraising and awareness efforts? Are they working? Do you find any aspect of them troubling?

My sister-in-law, B. alerted me to the interview (she listens on the east coast schedule) and encouraged me to write a letter in response. This morning, a slightly edited version of this letter was read on the air (I was the “Letter of the Day”):

In January 2006, when I was 38 years old an the mother of two young children, I was diagnosed with very aggressive breast cancer. I underwent a brutal treatment regimen only to learn in November of that same year that the cancer had spread to my liver. I was told that I had “years, not decades” to live.

I resumed treatment and, this time, my response was immediate and dramatic – by June 2007, there was no longer any sign of cancer in my body. As I write this, I am still in remission. I’m also still in treatment, as we don’t know enough about what happens when metastatic breast cancer disappears to make an informed decision about stopping.

I know without a doubt that I am alive today because of the kind of cutting edge research funded by breast cancer organizations. I also know that thousands of women who’ve been through breast cancer live better lives because of the kind of advocacy and outreach work that is undertaken by non-profit organizations.

But I do cringe, seethe and yes, even rant every time October comes around and we are deluged with pink products from fried chicken to face cream to key chains.

In theory, I’m not opposed to corporate sponsorship. But in the same way that I think cigarette companies should not be permitted to sponsor children’s festivals, I’m offended when companies that sell products that are unhealthy, bad for the environment and laden with carcinogens jump on the “pinxploitation” bandwagon. At best, these campaigns do little to eradicate breast cancer and worst, they are a cynical attempt to grab some good PR and increase profit margins at the expense of anyone who’s life has been affected by cancer.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t judge anyone who’s drawn to all the pink stuff. I own a lovely pink cowboy hat. I would just ask folks to think before they get swept up in the “Pinktober” frenzy. Put that pink soup back on the shelf. Step away from the pink sweater with the pink ribbon buttons (for so many reasons). Unless you really want the pink sunglasses, save your money. Most companies only give a tiny percentage of sales to breast cancer research. Why not make a donation instead to an organization that is demonstrably contributing to research, advocacy and especially prevention of all cancers? Then you’ll know that you really are making a difference.

All the letters that the host, Jian Ghomeshi, read were on this subject and all of them opposed pinkwashing. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a deluge of letters taking an opposing opinion but it’s good to see that more of us are speaking out on this issue that has driven me wild since my own diagnosis of breast cancer.

Cross-posted from Not Just About Cancer.

Answering “How ARE you?”

When I was first diagnosed with cancer‚ everyone asked me‚ “How are you?” As if troops were gathering to wage battle against my fear and loneliness‚ “How are you?” became a comforting codeword for “I’m on your side.”

But within a few weeks‚ the chemotherapy began to take its toll‚ the shock and novelty of being a patient wore off‚ and I came to dread being asked‚ “How are you?” This question undermined the distraction and healthy denial that minimized my distress.

If I answered truthfully‚ I had to absorb the hints of disappointment‚ anger‚ frustration‚ sadness‚ fear‚ and helplessness that splintered others’ words of comfort. I found myself consoling those who asked‚ and then fighting the contagion of grief and fear. Even when the news was good‚ I didn’t have the energy to include all the people who wanted updates.

After my treatments ended‚ the prickles of “How are you?” sabotaged my attempts to move on. One day I spilled my frustration to my good friend‚ Debbie‚ “People keep probing! They don’t say‚ ‘How are you?’ but ‘How ARE you?'” Debbie suggested that I was being oversensitive. “It’s just an everyday greeting. Maybe they don’t mean anything by it‚” she said gently. Not buying her argument‚ I explained how I’d answer‚ “fine‚” and they’d double-check‚ “Really?” their eyebrows raised and their chin dropped ever so slightly. I told Debbie how one of my colleagues came over and asked the usual. Despite my enthusiastic‚ unequivocally positive response (“GREAT!”)‚ he then asked‚ “Are you still in remission?” “No‚ it was not my imagination. People weren’t simply saying “hi‚” they were asking for my latest scan results.

No matter how it was intended‚ being asked‚ “How are you?” rattled my heightened sense of vulnerability by virtue of its literal meaning and my sense of not knowing how I was. My desire to be polite often battled rising confusion and panic as I thought‚ “I’ll find out when I have my check-up.” I told my friend Debbie‚ “I wish they didn’t ask.”

Debbie took their side‚ “Wendy‚ they are asking because they care about you.” She then listened patiently and tried to understand as I shared my struggle to find a “new normal” after cancer‚ one that included persistent fatigue and frequent doctor visits. I suggested she say‚ “How are things?” or “Good to see ya‚” adding‚ “Don’t walk on eggshells‚ Debbie. When‚ out of habit‚ ‘How are you?’ slips out (and it will)‚ don’t worry about it. I won’t take your question literally unless I want to.”

That offhand last comment led me to the key to surviving “How are you?” When friends ask‚ I can respond whatever way works for me‚ trusting that the person wants to “be there‚” whatever “be there” means that minute.

With my answer‚ I can share the truth about survival: Some days are good‚ some bad; sometimes I need to escape‚ sometimes I need to talk it all out‚ sometimes I need to be held‚ other times I need space‚ and I’m not always sure what I need (so they can’t know‚ either). I’m learning to recognize when “How are you?” is meant as nothing more than “hello.” Occasionally I screw up and start to give a detailed or philosophical answer to someone who really doesn’t care or doesn’t want to hear. That’s OK. And I forgive all the people who say the wrong things. I’ve said a lot of stupid things in my time. As for the rubberneckers‚ I tell them “I’m fine.”

“How are you?” is not an intrusion‚ but the glue that holds Debbie and me together. Our initial responses‚ both verbal and nonverbal‚ telegraph if one or the other has news or problems or worries to share. We know within seconds if one is in need‚ even if that need can’t be met at the time. And‚ I was mistaken when I thought that I didn’t know the answer. Although on any given day I may not know what my next scans will show‚ I do know how I am. Cancer tuned me in to my body and clarified who and what are important in life. If anything‚ after cancer is when I started to really know how I was.

“How are you?” may never again have that innocent sound because I can’t go back to the way I was before cancer. That’s good. In letting others care for me‚ I’ve learned about caring for others. Whether I’m anxiously awaiting a check-up‚ or undergoing another round of treatment‚ or enjoying a blessedly ordinary day‚ Debbie’s three little words‚ “How are you?” stir emotions because they are powered by three other little words: I love you.

[I wrote this many years ago. Ever since, I’ve had no trouble with the “How-are-you” question. This supports the idea that sharing and working through something in my head — or with someone who cares — makes a difference, even when the circumstances remain the same.]